Broke and on the Outside ain’t half bad.
There are two things I fought my entire life to escape that I now realize are such a part of who I am that I am having trouble accepting them as not being a part of my life. those things are…
Being Broke: Because I can’t seem to push myself in the creative ways that I need to in order to stay sharp. After over 15 years of living month to month worrying about every bill, subletting my apartment to pay the bills, borrowing money from my dad, and not being able to enjoy many recreational activities that cost more than $20, I found myself having a string of months making between 10 and 20k per month. More than I would make in a year sometimes, and I would find myself suddenly unmotivated to create, to innovate, to try to get noticed. I don’t ever want to be broke again because that is humiliating, but being too comfortable creates an empty feeling that I don’t want to deal with either. Somehow I feel like being of working class status, the status of my taxi driving dad is where I belong.
Being on the outside looking in: This is a problem that I have been dealing with for a much longer time, so I am somewhat better at dealing with it. After finding acceptance with the downtown scene due to my video skills, I found that I lost that childlike fascination with the in crowd. Suddenly the folks who occupied this world weren’t the unflawed beautiful people that I longed to be a part of, and I became bored. Now I keep my distance and view compliments from anyone on the inside as dis-geniune.